Monday, January 31, 2011

Reasons You SHOULD Get Pregnant

Everywhere you go, you always hear things about practicing safe sex. It's a load of shit. People talk about preventing pregnancy like it's some sort of bad thing without first stopping to consider the pros of pregnancy. I am here to tell you about them, and why you should get knocked up as SOON as possible.

1. Free passes. Pregnant bitches get free passes all the time. They can't do manual labor, it's bad for the baby! They can cry for no reason, they're hormonal! I can't have sex with that, it's disgusting! Every single god damn time you need a woman to do something, they're magically pregnant. Then the baby is born, and you STILL get free passes. "I can't maintain a job, I have a baby!" "I can cry for no reason, I have PPD!" Sure, you might have to spend some of your time on the kid, but who really cares about him? Pass him on to your parents, he'll be calling you sister in no time.

2. Bank off of the kid's success sooner.
This one is a bit more complicated and time consuming, but the benefits at the end are great. So you have a kid at 33, you raise him well and he grows up to become a rich musician, a successful doctor, or a hotshot CEO. Congratulations, you can bank off of his success and you'll be in your 60s, well on your way to death. That same kid born out of a tender 17 year old goes on and does the same, and it's smooth sailing from your 40s. Do the math people, it explains itself.

3. Populate the shitty states with Adam's Babytrain Program. Ever wonder why Midwestern USA sucks so much? Because nobody lives there to give a shit enough to change it. For a nominal fee, I will take your unwanted baby and strap it securely to a train bound for Wyoming and other such desolate shitpiles. Our straps are weight tested by our packing experts to ensure your baby a safe and comfortable ride. Eventually the population of these states will rise, and I won't have to stop talking to someone because they tell me they're from Omaha, Nebraska.

4. Rape deterrent. So you just had a baby. Your body isn't in good shape, you aren't feeling too good about the way you look. Your tits are lactating, your stomach is flabby, and your vag looks like an Arby's commercial. Nothing good about any of that, right? Wrong. At least 33% of potential rapists won't even give you a second glance. Take that, beautiful people!

5. It's what Jesus would do.

6. The movie Juno. If this sort of thing were to occur all the time, then "Juno" would never have been made, as it wouldn't be an uncommon occurrence. Nobody's going to care about some stupid high school whore giving away her baby to the most horrible soundtrack in film history. They shouldn't have cared in the first place. What a terrible movie.

So get out there and have unprotected sex. "But Adam, what about the STDs?" Oh boohoo, live life on the edge. If people never took risks, then the One Ring would've never been destroyed and Sauron would be ruling your ass right now. And the other lesson in this rant? Don't see Juno, it's garbage.


  1. LOL. I'll pass on that. I like my non-knocked up self a lot more.

  2. This is just pure beauty.

    Bullshit, of course. But beautiful.

  3. >implying I'm a pregnant whore

    anyway, interesting post.

  4. "But.. I don't want a kid.."

    I love it.

    Now following. :P

  5. Looks like I'ma have to get myself pregnant then. Haha!

  6. Oh god, this is hilarious, terrible idea if someone takes it as serious.

  7. Ok I'll give to some points for this. But I will pass on pregnancy, I don't want to get fat!! LOL!

  8. the movie juno. lawl

    following and supporting.

  9. Like I need a reason to impregnate people. Like I don't make a living donating sperm.

  10. Jesus probably would get pregnant. Definitely considering it now. Hilarious stuff man.

  11. Well thats an interesting way to look at pregnancy.

  12. For a couple of seconds, I actually thought you were being serious about the topic, until I began reading and starting chuckling.

    Overall, a pretty good addition to the blog.

  13. Excellent logic, reminded me of a Modest Proposal by John Swift.

  14. Here's some reasons not to get a girl pregnant:
    Babies are expensive and take up just about all your time.
    The world is already on the path to overpopulation; so why contribute to our destruction?
    We do NOT have an unlimited amount of resources; the more people there are, the more demand there is for resources, and the sooner we run out of resources and our planet becomes barren.
    There are already millions of kids out there without a good home or anyone to take care of them. If you want a child, adopt one and help make someone's future brighter.