Saturday, February 5, 2011

Band Fanbases

Bands /artists that I hate more because their fanbases are complete tools:

Avenged Sevenfold
Zakk Wylde
Cradle of Filth
Dream Theater

I could continue, but I think this translates the point well enough. I don't even necessarily hate the bands in every instance outright. The fans make some of these bands intolerable. "OH MAN HERMAN LI IS THE BEST DID YOU SEE HOW FAST HE PLAYS?" Dragonforce is fucking awful and so is your face. Slipknot calls their fans "maggots", even they know how stupid you have to be to like Slipknot. Slipknot knew they were so bad that they killed off their own bassist. That's the story I heard anyway.

Muse is more over-appreciated garbage. They had okay early stuff, and then gained popularity. Ever since then, any semblance they had of any song writing talent apparently went down the toilet. Matt Bellamy is unbearable and so are his kiss-ass fans. They're so far in his junk that you can taste Bellamy-taint on their breath. It's sickening.

Ever insult Dream Theater to a Dream Theater fan? Good luck with your 9 paragraph rant and link assault for the next hour. They will shove Dream Theater's technical prowess down your throat until they die. You know a Dream Theater fan starts getting desperate when they're defending the lyrics to "The Count of Tuscany."

Friday, February 4, 2011

Extremely Important Information

When I take showers, I cross my arms across my chest like you would when standing in an impatient way, let the water build up, and then release it and let it splash at my feet. Shower time is also my band practice. It gets pretty intense.

When I pee, I always try to hit the side of the toilet, so as to not make the loud splash noise of pee hitting the water. When I pee I also sometimes flush in the middle of it and try to beat my toilet in a race to the finish.

When I shit, I look at the toilet paper after wiping to see if I'm finished. I didn't think this was an anomaly, but I've met far too many people that say they don't do that. Those people are not welcome to sit in my chairs. I also take my pants off all of the way when I shit, only at home though. Sometimes if I'm taking a particularly long dump, I read the back of shampoo bottles and other various toiletry items, for no real reason.

When in a car (not driving) ever since I was little, I've imagined a little man running along side the car dodging shit and jumping over cars. I also used to think about, and still do, a game I used to play with myself. The car shot out lasers to kill the other cars. If the passing lane was on my side, it could hit the other cars. If the passing lane was on the other side, our car was vulnerable. Certain street signs gave different power ups and let my car and weapon do different shit.

At my computer and other places when possible, I often sit with one leg under the other until it starts to get sore or falls asleep. Then I switch legs.

Sometimes when I need to get up to get something but I'm feeling particularly lazy, I sit there and try to force-pull it to me, in hopes that one day it will actually work. I also occasionally try to fire lightning or some other magical energy from my hands, just in case I'm the chosen one.

Whenever I'm doing something, I often find myself asking this question in my head: "I wonder how many people in the world have done or thought this same thing?" I then question how many people have wished they could know that, too. I want to be able to pull up a statistic of anything in the world.

When I was a kid, things in my peripheral vision bugged me when I was trying to focus on something, TV especially. If something was lying around or out of place and I could see it, I had to move it to focus. This went away as I grew older.

These are things that I and a good amount of other people do (although you would be surprised at how many people find a lot of these things oddities). I just find a visual compilation amusing.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I Wish...

"I wish I had a salad." "I wish I had that new game." Even "I wish you were here," or "I wish I was in Italy." Cut this shit out, think about what you say. You have 3 wishes and you're going to waste them on that? What a sucker. Quit wasting your wishes. One of these days a wish is going to come true and you're going to look like the shitbrain that wasted their one free pass on Big Mac you disgusting fuck. Be more careful with your wording.

I've whittled my wishes down to an exact science. (No wishing for more wishes faggot, you know the rules). They're perfect and they're flexible. They are: Control space time, change any physical aspect of my body, and read minds. This enables me to do whatever I want, all because I went the extra mile to think outside of the box. I can freeze time, I can teleport, I can renew my organs giving me eternal life (barring I don't die instantly), I can even give myself gills or wings if I wanted to. The reading minds bit is just an icing on this god-tier cake.

So when I'm ruling the world and ballin' around town with my perfect wishes, don't come crying to me with your new Nickelback album.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Drawing The Line

I miss the line that I used to have that ran from my ballsack down my grundle. I don't know if it has a name, but I miss it. Maybe I miss the memories associated with it. Those were simpler times...back when I had that line. I used to run my finger along it wondering what the fuck it was. Little did I know that it would go away as I aged. That's something that every boy takes for granted, their ballsack line.

My friend used to think that he was stitched together when he was a kid. He was convinced that that is what the line was. It shouldn't have gone away, it should stay there forever so women have a chance to marvel at it and wonder what it was like we did. Then there would be a niche market for scrote-line massaging.

We need a name for this line. I don't know if it has one - if there is, somebody tell me. If not, somebody help me think of one. If you are a male and you don't know what I'm talking about, then I am truly sorry for you. You were either a deformed child (and not stitched together from other kids, what a sucker), or you didn't fondle yourself enough growing up.

Speaking of fondling yourself, remember finding that jet stream in inground pools and finding out that it felt good on your junk? My friend called it "The pee-wee massager" when he was 9. SIMPLER TIMES, PEOPLE, simpler times.

If I had one opportunity to ask God a single question and speak for all of humanity, our one shot for a divine answer, I would ask him why the line disappears. Girls reading this, I am truly sorry that you didn't get to experience this wonder.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Wish I Was Gay

It would be really sweet if I was gay. I have gone over it in my head time and time again, and the pros seem to outweigh the cons. I will draw it out for you:

-Don't need to deal with stupid fucking women
-Bromances have yet to let me down
-No babies
-Talk with an adorable inflection / lisp (Or have an excuse for my awful voice)
-Make a lot of female friends and help them try on bras like in those movies...although I guess if I was gay I wouldn't really find that as exciting...SHUT UP, it's a perk okay
-Become a master at interior design
-Become a master at cooking (I imagine these 2 to be genetically inherited gay traits)
-Be able to F-block in public and have it be acceptable
-All the cool kids are doing it
-Sweet annual parade
-Excuse to not go to the South
-I use the word 'faggot' very liberally. Now this would become more acceptable.

-Being railed in the pooper
-Being associated with Ellen DeGeneres

If gay was a choice, the winner is pretty obvious, 12 to 2? Not even close, and I was probably missing some Pros. Take that, procreation.