Monday, January 31, 2011

Music Break

I want to keep this space for my general interests as well as my dumb rants, and maybe introduce new music into people's lives? Who knows. What I like is mostly prog, Porcupine Tree being one of my favorite bands. The lead singer / guitarist of Porcupine Tree, Steven Wilson, has a side band called Blackfield. It's a collaberation between him and Aviv Geffen of Israeli fame. It isn't exactly prog but it's still exceptional to listen to, especially in a depressed mood. They have a new album titled "Welcome to My DNA" coming out in March, so here are a couple of songs to perhaps peak some people's interests.

Reasons You SHOULD Get Pregnant

Everywhere you go, you always hear things about practicing safe sex. It's a load of shit. People talk about preventing pregnancy like it's some sort of bad thing without first stopping to consider the pros of pregnancy. I am here to tell you about them, and why you should get knocked up as SOON as possible.

1. Free passes. Pregnant bitches get free passes all the time. They can't do manual labor, it's bad for the baby! They can cry for no reason, they're hormonal! I can't have sex with that, it's disgusting! Every single god damn time you need a woman to do something, they're magically pregnant. Then the baby is born, and you STILL get free passes. "I can't maintain a job, I have a baby!" "I can cry for no reason, I have PPD!" Sure, you might have to spend some of your time on the kid, but who really cares about him? Pass him on to your parents, he'll be calling you sister in no time.

2. Bank off of the kid's success sooner.
This one is a bit more complicated and time consuming, but the benefits at the end are great. So you have a kid at 33, you raise him well and he grows up to become a rich musician, a successful doctor, or a hotshot CEO. Congratulations, you can bank off of his success and you'll be in your 60s, well on your way to death. That same kid born out of a tender 17 year old goes on and does the same, and it's smooth sailing from your 40s. Do the math people, it explains itself.

3. Populate the shitty states with Adam's Babytrain Program. Ever wonder why Midwestern USA sucks so much? Because nobody lives there to give a shit enough to change it. For a nominal fee, I will take your unwanted baby and strap it securely to a train bound for Wyoming and other such desolate shitpiles. Our straps are weight tested by our packing experts to ensure your baby a safe and comfortable ride. Eventually the population of these states will rise, and I won't have to stop talking to someone because they tell me they're from Omaha, Nebraska.

4. Rape deterrent. So you just had a baby. Your body isn't in good shape, you aren't feeling too good about the way you look. Your tits are lactating, your stomach is flabby, and your vag looks like an Arby's commercial. Nothing good about any of that, right? Wrong. At least 33% of potential rapists won't even give you a second glance. Take that, beautiful people!

5. It's what Jesus would do.

6. The movie Juno. If this sort of thing were to occur all the time, then "Juno" would never have been made, as it wouldn't be an uncommon occurrence. Nobody's going to care about some stupid high school whore giving away her baby to the most horrible soundtrack in film history. They shouldn't have cared in the first place. What a terrible movie.

So get out there and have unprotected sex. "But Adam, what about the STDs?" Oh boohoo, live life on the edge. If people never took risks, then the One Ring would've never been destroyed and Sauron would be ruling your ass right now. And the other lesson in this rant? Don't see Juno, it's garbage.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

A Sense of Direction

Hello any sucker bored enough to be reading this. I was struggling for a while to come up with a sense of direction for this blog and still am, really. I have decided for now to take the 'Maddox' or 'Ninjapirate' (Except probably not as funny) approach and make it general musings and ramblings that I've come up with that people seem to enjoy. These started off as "Song of the Day" threads on a forum that holds a lot of shame for me. I posted the same song every day and wrote things like this. I figured I'd take it to a more appropriate medium and to a broader audience. I take myself super seriously and everything I say is 100% super serious. I suppose we should kick it off with something endearing that has always troubled me.

There are a lot of terrible ways to die. Some are horrible because of the pain that is surely involved, and others suck because of the humiliation that is involved and the endless taunting they must suffer in the afterlife.

I would rather die a painful death than a humiliating one, just in case. Dying trying to rescue a chick from an active volcano is pretty manly and heroic. What the fuck was she doing in there anyway? Women are so stupid, always getting stuck in volcanoes. Being crushed by a plasma TV mounted over your bed is not very manly, especially if you were watching Top Chef. I love Top Chef, fuck you.

Getting maimed to death by an animal is very hit or miss. Killed in a boxing match with a kangaroo? Pretty manly. KIA in the extreme sport of Rhino Rodeo? Manly as shit. Being stung to death by bees? What a pussy. Getting eaten by an elephant? They're herbivores and you happened to look like a plant. Vegetation and vegetarians are very unmanly. 

Getting murdered is another big one. Get shot to death...what are you a minority? Cut that shit out. Rape, do I even need to get into it? Go out and get curb stomped, or go out in style to a crippler cross-face. Benoit's kid and wife may have died a tragic and untimely death, but at least it was manly. Make sure your death isn't babytown.